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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.