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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.