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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Okay im going to make myself a sandwich, and i better have some votes when i come back. -.-
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.