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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.