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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.