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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.