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I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.