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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.