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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole