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Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
The old saying "I wouldn`t wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.