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Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m