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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"