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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.