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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
lol I rotfl
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
No Shirt No Shoes No Service. What about pants?
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.