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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds