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I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome