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Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.