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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.