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Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.