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Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/