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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.