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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.