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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.