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Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.