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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?