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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."