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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I drink to make other people interesting.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.