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Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
lifes a laugh, start living it!
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work