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No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.