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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"