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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.