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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know