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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.