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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.