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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.