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Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"