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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
A leaf blower, but for people.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook