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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.