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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.