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Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.