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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!