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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
This day needs more tomfoolery!
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
is spending my children´s inheritance.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.