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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!