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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.