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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.