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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.