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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
My sleep number is 100 proof.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.