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why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.