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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.