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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
More people should be at a loss for words.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.