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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.