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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
Girls just wanna have funds.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.