Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
That`s not how I met your mother.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.