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I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”