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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?