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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3