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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!