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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.