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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.