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I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me