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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!