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It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.