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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!