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Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.